In a recent “Ask Amy” column from the Seattle Times came a wonderful Personal Safety Nets example. A woman wrote, saying that her daughter and son-in-law want to move back home due to financial difficulties. The son-in-law treats his wife dreadfully, and she continues to forgive him. Though the parents welcome their daughter and her kids, they aren’t willing to have the abusive guy in their home. The daughter is offended that her parents are “denying” her request and thinks that supportive parents would say yes.

The parents want to know if their daughter has a right to move in, just because she is their daughter. Amy answers that the home and life that the parents have created is theirs, and they have a right to choose who shares it, how, and when. The daughter can then accept what they choose to offer, or can reject it. That, in turn, is her choice.

And we thank Amy for being so clear. When a question is asked of someone, then possible answers can be:

• yes or no, fully or to a portion of what’s asked,
• yes to a variation (say, at a different time),
• or a suggestion of an alternative.

Any of these are acceptable to the asker – assuming that the request was really a question. If “yes” was the only acceptable response, then what was posed was actually a demand, not a question. And that is what the daughter in Amy’s column was doing – demanding.

Asking isn’t a simple thing to do.  It’s deceptively difficult, and is a skill that can be learned. It’s good to practice, starting with little things, not waiting for a crisis.

Let’s look at the above example: 1) Define what the situation is {we need a place to live} 2) figure out what it is that is being asked for {we want you to provide us with one} 3) ask clearly {will you let us move in with you?} 4) allow for several responses {oops – they didn’t do this. This one was a demand} 5) assess the response, then accept or decline it {arguing, guilt-tripping, or blaming are inappropriate} 6) appreciate whatever response is given {arguing does not equal appreciating} 7) give back to others!